{"id":2054,"date":"2024-11-21T16:01:56","date_gmt":"2024-11-21T16:01:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/denverharrington.com\/main\/?p=2054"},"modified":"2024-11-22T13:21:48","modified_gmt":"2024-11-22T13:21:48","slug":"enjoying-solitude-make-it-your-superpower","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/denverharrington.com\/main\/enjoying-solitude-make-it-your-superpower\/","title":{"rendered":"Enjoying Solitude: Make it Your Superpower"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Solitude,” said Nietzsche, “doesn\u2019t depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company.”<\/p>\n

Enjoying solitude leads to an understanding about yourself and the world – but how to get there? When I was a child, my tendency was to be quiet and shy, traits that were seen as weak and negative in an increasingly extroverted world.<\/p>\n

Growing up, I struggled walking a tight-rope between learning to have charisma, and wanting to close myself off. Depending on the company I keep, I can be extroverted or quiet. But for a lot of my life, finding connections was difficult. As a young teenager, I often felt alone and to deal with it, I turned to creative modes of expression, (if I wasn’t playing computer games, that is.) I would write, I would draw and paint, I would read and in time, I learned to enjoy my solitude.<\/p>\n

Enjoying Solitude<\/h2>\n

Enjoying solitude didn’t just happen. Instead, I learned to hide the tendency to be shy and quiet for fear of being perceived as vulnerable. Somewhat contractively, I was also naturally excitable and quick to pretend-play as characters around people I trusted. I enjoyed Theatre groups, enjoyed auditioning for parts and I loved to read Shakespeare. But I was unfocussed, and I think this was reflected in my personality as a drifter. In my teenage years, I never seemed to settle into any group of friends. Instead, I roamed between them, ultimately resulting in both having company and not.<\/p>\n

As the saying goes, a friend to everyone, is a friend to no one. <\/em>I think there’s some truth in that. No doubt about it, I was a weird kid and to this day, a bit of an outsider. But I’m okay with that now. I’ve come to realise that I have a lot to be grateful for. Today, I’m not alone anymore – but I still treasure my solitude.<\/p>\n

Individualism and The Harms of Social Exclusion<\/h2>\n

The truth is, humans are social animals. We have evolved to co-exist in communities, tribal by nature. Todays pathology is the individualist mindset that asserts we are all alone in our suffering. To be strong is to shut up, straighten your back, stiff upper lip the situation and minimalize your pain because nobody is coming to save you. Every other individual, you see, is so concerned with themselves and their own betterment that they are not going to have time for you. But I’m about to turn the tables on this narrative.<\/p>\n

This type of individualist mindset is a hangover from an outdated way of thinking about people as political individuals, kicking-off around the age of enlightenment. This self-interested prioritisation leads to a type of ostracism, and undermines social cohesion and communal bonds. It’s hyper focussed on personal success over shared goals or collective welfare.
\nIt promotes competitive attitudes that dismiss collaboration or mutual support and disdains any collective responsibility, simultaneously shying from individual accountability. This type of individualism assumes that individuals are entirely self-made, leading to neglect of societal structures that help others succeed or that require collective maintenance (e.g., welfare systems and community efforts.) Worse yet, it prioritizes personal desires at the expense of others, resulting in an inability or unwillingness to empathise with others.<\/p>\n

Our role models are individuals, not teams or communities, a fact that I always found quite alienating. It becomes hard to trust the incentives of people when relationships are reduced to transactions.<\/p>\n

Being Pushed Away can Hurt<\/h2>\n

For people who do not fit this individualist idea, the vibes hit different. Jokes seem improper, lazy or offensive. Their plans may feel shallow to you or fickle and it becomes difficult to fit in. If others notice this, you might quickly end up the object of their jokes. Social exclusion can be painful when you are young. In their article What Happens in Your Mind and Brain When You Are Excluded from a Social Activity?<\/strong><\/a> the research publisher Fronteirs <\/em>states:<\/p>\n

\u00a0We often use the term \u201cpainful\u201d to describe the feeling we have when we are being excluded. The question is, why do we use this word to describe what we feel, even though we do not have actual physical injury or pain? Using the concepts, \u201cpain,\u201d or \u201cpainful\u201d to describe the feeling of being excluded or rejected by others is common across languages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The claim is that this is largely due to the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which is an area of the brain that processes pain.<\/p>\n

\"Figure
Illustrations reused from Kawamoto and irasutoya http:\/\/www.irasutoya.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

This dACC area does not distinguish between what type of pain is occurring, which is why we understand physical and social pain in a similar way. These exclusions are then later stored as experiences that become logged away in your brain.<\/p>\n

Has This Happened to You? “I Know How Painful it is”<\/em><\/h2>\n

It’s said that in life, we can shrink from pain, or rise to face it. At some point, we have all been pushed aside and felt that isolation. And I am also guilty of doing it to others, sometimes out of hopeless despair, to a loved one.<\/strong> Empathy and hearing the other side is important in times of calmer tempers. And if you know somebody who is being pushed aside from a friend group, tell them you know how painful it is.<\/span> It helps to establish support. It only takes a little effort at a time to raise one’s confidence again.<\/p>\n

Enjoying Solitude and Literature<\/h2>\n

In\u00a0Henry David Thoreau’s, Walden, <\/em>there was a scene I remember distinctly. The writer discussed sitting in a boat on lake Walden while fishing with a friend. He recounted that neither of them spoke for hours, yet both were perfectly present, embracing the solitude of the sunny day on the lake.<\/p>\n

Loneliness and social exclusion are not the same as solitude. Sometimes, there is something desirable and even sacred about solitude. Firstly because solitude is a choice, whereas social exclusion is not. But here’s what I learned about being excluded. Reading and writing is learning and healing.<\/p>\n

Readers are sometimes stereotyped as socially awkward, however, this might only be the case for non-fiction readers. Readers of fiction, however, must comprehend characters in a narrative format in ways that parallel the comprehension of peers in the real world.<\/p>\n

Bibliotherapy<\/h2>\n

The findings of a study, (called Bookworms vs Nerds,)<\/a> seems to indicate that fiction print-exposure positively<\/em> predicted measures of social ability. Moreover, reading builds bridges to understanding ourselves<\/a>. Not only can reading help young people understand human nature<\/a>, but by identifying with characters who share their lived experiences, they enter a dialogue with the writer and gain another understanding about themselves.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, the best things in life are free. One very clear and accessible treatment for social exclusion is reading fictional books.\u00a0Psychology Today documented a handful of mental health benefits to reading<\/a>, shown to improve empathy, social cognition and connection. For me, there’s something magical about reading. The book can act as both a social shield or do not disturb<\/em> sign, and a window into other worlds and perspectives.<\/p>\n

Lonely Characters in Literature<\/h2>\n

I’m thinking about some solitary or socially excluded characters that come to mind in literature. Take, for example, any of the Starks from George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones<\/em> series, but Sansa Stark in particular has a lonely, painful journey. Or in J.D. Salinger’s classic, The Catcher in the Rye<\/em>, Holden Caulfield’s sense of righteous idealism is at odds with reality, causing him a painful disillusionment and alienation as he struggles with growing up. In Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep<\/em>, police officer Rick Deckard seeks to ‘retire’ a group of escaped Martian androids in a world where everything is synthetic. Not exactly a sympathetic character, the isolation in this novel is palpable. In Cormac McCarthy’s The Road<\/em>, the two protagonists The Boy and The Man must survive a post-apocalyptic world that has fallen into cannibalism and war, where danger and mistrust lurk around every corner.<\/p>\n

The more we read, the more likely we are to discover those characters that give us the strength and understanding we need to better be at peace with ourselves.<\/p>\n

11 Traits of people who were excluded as children<\/h2>\n

This month, I found an article in Unilad.com<\/a> which\u00a0 listed 11 traits of adults who were excluded as children. They were:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Social insecurity<\/li>\n
  2. perfectionism<\/li>\n
  3. creativity<\/li>\n
  4. loyalty<\/li>\n
  5. empathy<\/li>\n
  6. low self-esteem<\/li>\n
  7. over-analysing<\/li>\n
  8. people-pleasing<\/li>\n
  9. seeking validation<\/li>\n
  10. isolation<\/li>\n
  11. a desire for highly structured settings.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Out of these 11 traits, the only two I didn’t score was social insecurity and isolation, for one specific reason. I challenge myself to enter new social settings. I turn in to work at the office, for example, I make efforts to greet people in the hall, I spark up conversation in a queue. This isn’t comfortable for me, but I give it a shot anyway. I wouldn’t say I’m totally introverted – I know how to party and enjoy myself, so I suppose I’d regard myself as a social introvert.<\/p>\n

    But this list doesn’t need to be a curse. In fact, I see it now as a superpower. I’m learning to part from being a people pleaser – sometimes, you have to disappoint. Also, sometimes, you don’t need to keep writing and re-writing and the 10th draft is as good as it can. There is no perfection. I’m learning that to analyse once is enough and rolling in the muck is no way to get clean. But most importantly, you don’t have to please others or validate yourself. It is what it is, you are who you are. And if you keep learning, keep reading, keep creating, you can be your best self and make your best work.<\/p>\n

    In the end, that’s only as good as it ever needs to be. So sit back, find what it is that develops you, and embrace your solitude.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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